A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.

Louis Nizer

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

Stephen Bishop

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Winston Churchill

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.

Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

William Faulkner (about ErnestHemingway)

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.

Moses Hadas

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.

Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.

Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.

Paul Keating

He had delusions of adequacy.

Walter Kerr

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Jack E. Leonard

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Abraham Lincoln

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.

Robert Redford

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

Thomas Brackett Reed

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.

James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.

Charles, Count Talleyrand

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Mark Twain

A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

Mae West

She is a peacock in everything but beauty.

Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Billy Wilder

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ...for support rather than illumination.

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Oscar Wilde

First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure.

Mark Twain

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.

Benjamin Disraeli

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Thomas Jefferson

Do not bite the bait of pleasure till you know there is no hook beneath it.

Thomas Jefferson

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall'.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister. And now wish to withdraw that statement.

Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.

George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

Mark Twain

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But ... everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Phyllis Diller

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.


The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Billy Crystal

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.


Then there was the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches.

W. I. E. Gates

Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you.

Frank Tyger

A break in the established order is never the work of chance. It is the outcome of a mans resolve to turn life to account.

Andre Malraux

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)

Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If someone betrays you once, it is her fault; If she betrays you twice, it is your fault.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

He, who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What the hell happened?!"

It is impossible to lick your elbow. ( We know you're gonna try this !!! )

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

Olympic Basketball analyst

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

President George W. Bush, Aug. 5, 2004

This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

Olympic Weightlifting Commentator

This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

Olympic Dressage commentator

We've got an issue in America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.

President George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., 9/6/04

One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Olympic Tennis commentator

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

Paul Hamm, Gymnast

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

Olympic Softball announcer

Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

At the rowing medal ceremony

Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

Olympic Soccer commentator

I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental -- supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel.

President George W. Bush, Erie, PA 9/4/04

Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

Olympic Boxing Analyst

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
Moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Will Rodgers

See in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

President George W. Bush, Rochester, NY 5/24/05

If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.

Joseph Goebbels

You really don't know a man until you get to know him.

President George W. Bush

Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work.

President George W. Bush, CBS's 60 Minutes 12/5/00

After all, Europe is America's closest ally.

President George W. Bush, Mainz, Germany 2/23/05

They want the federal government controlling Social Security, like it's some kind of federal program.

President George W. Bush, St. Charles, MO 11/2/00

I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.

President Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

Never take a beer to a job interview.

It's tacky to take a cooler to church.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Even if you're certain you're included in the will,
it's rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger food.

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for special occasions.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

It's love people and use thingsnot love things and use people.